Joke of the day...

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Re: Joke of the day...

Postby garagestmarien » Mon Aug 29, 2011 8:48 am

OUT FOR A DRIVE.

A Windows operator, mechanical engineer, chemical engineer and electrical engineer are out for a drive.

Suddenly the car splutters to a stop.

The mechanical engineer says "That was an engine bearing going, I herd the noise"

The chemical engineer says "No, it's a fuel problem, I smelt it"

The electrical engineer says "No, it's a fault in the wiring, it sounded electrical to me"

After a long pause, they all turned to look at the Windows operator. "Well what do you think?"

The Windows operator said, "I think we should all get out of the car and then get back in again"
Acer Aspire SA60, Intel Celeron 2.8ghz, 2gig ram, 1x80gig (xp), 1x80gig (UE2.9) & 1x100gig (Storage) hard drives,ATi 9600 pro graphic card (agp), 22" lcd monitor @ 1680x1050res. Running dual boot Win XP and Ultimate Edition 2.9 on seperate drives.
Even for this rig, performance is good and all 3d works nice.
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Re: Joke of the day...

Postby pch.shot » Mon Aug 29, 2011 2:21 pm

Windows vista and 7. Nothing like putting a band aide on a gun shot wound!
Systems Windows XP Pro 32 bit & various Linux in Virtual Box and VMWare Player
Intel i7 2600K cpu with built in Intel 3000 video
1 OCZ Vertex 3 120 gig ssd(System)
1 Western Digital 2 Terabyte Green internal hard drive(Storage)
Kingston ddr3 1333 ram(4 gig)
MSI Z68A-GD80(G3)mobo w/hdmi video and optical audio
Realtek HD audio
Realtek lan
1 LG sata optical drive
Antec Sonata IV case/620 watt psu
50 inch LG plasma tv/monitor
Sony surround sound amp
Axiom speakers
optical sound
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Re: Joke of the day...

Postby TheeMahn » Tue Aug 30, 2011 5:01 pm

Viruses
Intruders
Spyware
Trogens
Adware
Home of Ultimate Edition. Got a question? Please review the F.A.Q. Browse the How to section.

Main O/S: Builder of O/S Guess.
Mainboard: ASUS Hero VI (AM4)
CPU: AMD 1700X water cooled (Deepcool Captain Genome Cooling tower)
Ram: 16 GB GSkill Trident RGB Series Dual Channel DDR4 3200
Video: MSI RX470 8GB Gaming card.
Hard Disks: MASSIVE on the network.(10 Gigabit, 48 port, multiple servers)
Monitors: 4K Samsung 28", HannsG HH281, Various others
750 Watt modular PSU (Rosswell)
1100 Watt Amp & 4 X 600 Watt speakers

Servers in the basement.
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Re: Joke of the day...

Postby Meister » Wed Aug 31, 2011 11:52 pm

Computer Acronyms
PCMCIA
People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN
It Still Does Nothing

APPLE
Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI
System Can't See It

DOS
Defective Operating System

BASIC
Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM
I Blame Microsoft

DEC
Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM
Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2
Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW
World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH
Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM
Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

COBOL
Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

AMIGA
A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

LISP
Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis

MIPS
Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS
Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

GIRO
Garbage In Rubbish Out

MICROSOFT
Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.
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Re: Joke of the day...

Postby Wangbo » Fri Sep 02, 2011 12:44 pm

Heard this one on the Shotgun red variety show here a while back and Cowboy ought to like it

Q: Why do Cowboy hats turn up on the side

A: So three of them can sit side by side in the front seat of a truck.
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Re: Joke of the day...

Postby Billie Cowie » Fri Sep 02, 2011 6:39 pm

Two old biddies standing outside a nursing home having a smoke.
It starts to rain.
The first old lady takes out a condom, cuts the end off and puts it around the end of her cigarette.
Her friend is impressed at this ingenious method of keeping her cigarette dry, and asks -

"What's that?"

"It's a condom, you can get them at any chemist shop."

Next day, the second old lady walks into a chemist and says-

"Give me a big box of condoms."

The young man behind the counter blushes with embarrassment at this request from someone old enough to be his grannie but rallies and asks her-

" What brand would you like ?"

The old girl replies-

" The brand doesn't matter, as long as it fits on a Camel." :D
All that I am or seem is but a dream within a dream.
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Re: Joke of the day...

Postby pclinuxguru » Fri Sep 02, 2011 6:51 pm

Is Windows a Virus
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.
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Re: Joke of the day...

Postby pclinuxguru » Fri Sep 02, 2011 6:55 pm

GM Like Computer Industry
At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got1,000 miles to the gallon."

General Motors has issued a press release stating:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car XP" or "Car 2000". But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5% of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning light would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the justice dept.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You would press the "start " button to shut off the engine.
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Re: Joke of the day...

Postby pclinuxguru » Fri Sep 02, 2011 6:58 pm

New Viruses on the loose!
Oprah Winfrey virus:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T virus:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI virus:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Politically Correct virus:
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.


Government Economist virus:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order virus:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Federal Bureaucrat virus:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Texas virus:
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Adam and Eve virus:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Congressional virus:
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Airline virus:
You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian virus:
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.

Public Television virus:
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis virus:
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Nike virus:
Just does it.

Congressional virus #2:
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Star Trek virus:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Health Care virus:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
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Re: Joke of the day...

Postby Meister » Sat Sep 03, 2011 1:30 am

Funny quotes

1. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

4. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

5. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

6. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

7. You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

8. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

9. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

10. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she will take it anyway.

11. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

12. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

13. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

14. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

15. You are getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

17. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

18. It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

19. There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

20. It is no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or
another.
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