Ultimate Edition Forum

Posted: **Sun Aug 28, 2011 12:37 am**

Blond jokes never get old . :lol:

Posted: **Sun Aug 28, 2011 1:19 am**

Typical Linux support
I had a problem with using my PPP connection through Linux. The data transfers were really slow sometimes but fine at others. I played with it for a while, then finally called the help desk. I was on hold for twenty minutes, then:

Tech Support: "Hi. How can I help you?"
Me: "Hi. I'm trying to hook up my Linux box via PPP, and I'm running into some problems. It works fine under 95, but I can't seem to get it to connect right under Linux. I can resolve hostnames and even --"
Tech Support: "Um, sir -- what kind of computer is it?"
Me: "IBM compatible. Specifically, an Ambra."
Tech Support: "Ok -- what happens when you try running Trumpet Winsock?"

I slap my forehead.

Me: "This is Linux. It doesn't run Trumpet Winsock."
Tech Support: "Oh - it's a DOS program?"
Me: "No. It's an operating system. Trumpet runs fine under 95."
Tech Support: "Well, have you tried running this program under Windows 95 then?"
Me: "No, it is an operating system. It doesn't run under another operating system."
Tech Support: "Oh. Ok, so what happens when you try to run Winsock under it?"

Murderous thoughts are going through my head. After a couple more exchanges back and forth, she finally understands that Winsock won't run on Linux for some weird reason.

Me: "So can I get an incident number so I can talk to a tech?"
Tech Support: "Sure. I just need to get some info from you."

She gets down my name, room number, phone number, computer type and brand, then we get interesting again.

Tech Support: "Ok, so is this under Windows 3.1 or Windows 95?"
Me: "Neither. It's Linux."
Tech Support: "Which type of Windows does it run under though?"
Me: "Neither! It runs on its own!"
Tech Support: "Oh!!! Oh! I'm sorry, in that case we can't help you. We only support Windows 3.1 and Windows 95."
Me: "WHAT?!?"
Tech Support: "Sorry. That's all we're currently supporting. Have a nice day." [click]

Posted: **Sun Aug 28, 2011 1:41 am**

Haha

True story here. Truth is I have heard it dozens of times now.

Client: I am having trouble with my Internet and email

Me: Ok who is the provider

Client: Google

Me: No who is your Internet provider

Client: Google. When I click firefox it says google

Me: About this time I am watching my gold fish and thinking to my self . Idiots all of them. Ok now think dip shi*

Me: Tell ya what, what is your email

Client: email?

Me: yes your email address

Client. Google

Me: Omfg silently - Just start team viewer and I will do it

Client: Team viewer ?

Me: Remote support we spent 20 min learning about

Client: We did?

Me: Applications Then Internet then team viewer

Client: I don't see team viewer

Me:You have to scroll down

Client: How do I do that

Me: Thinking to my self my door knob has more brains

Client: Ok think I got it

Me: Ok now I see your screen , show me were you go for your email.

Client: Starts firefox and shows google

Me: Ok not what I asked , what email do you have

Client: Google

Me: Puts gun to head

Me: Ok we will come back to that, what's up with the Internet

Client: It is slow, I start firefox and google comes up and it sits there for ever

Me: Did you type in a address to brows

Client: How do I do that ?

Me: thinking idiot silently

Client: I thought it does this all on it's own like on tv

Me: Well that explains a lot. Lol

Posted: **Sun Aug 28, 2011 6:35 am**

Have seen similar more than once, lol. Sadly, there are many computer users that stupid and worse.

Posted: **Sun Aug 28, 2011 12:20 pm**

Edited and cleaned for the younger viewers

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and make baby honey.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his thingy in the mommy’s thingy. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s thingy in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

Posted: **Sun Aug 28, 2011 12:35 pm**

Off to Vegas
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

Posted: **Sun Aug 28, 2011 12:47 pm**

Low Sperm Count
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

Posted: **Sun Aug 28, 2011 5:31 pm**

Meister wrote:Thee i told you today was yours so with out further a-due i give you my retaliation:

So Thee decides to move and enjoy a warmer climate and better view, so he decides to join a nudest colony. After a two hour orientation, in which Thee sat in the back and went over changes for Ultimate Edition 3 in his head, he is released and shown to his bungalow. After putting away his things Thee decides that a nice swim at the beach would help him relax. Walking down the path to the beach he sees a young gorgeous blond walking up the path. While watching her walk he becomes aroused , he starts to look at the trees and anything to get rid of his arousal. He glances to see if she noticed and yep she was walking straight for him now, she approaches Thee and says "you called" to which Thee replied "no what makes you think that?". She responds "you must be new here, when you get aroused that means your calling" then proceeds to lead Thee by the hand to a small secluded spot off the path and lies down on her beach blanket and allows Thee to have his way with her.

Feeling rejuvenated Thee decides a trip to the sauna would be much better than a swim. So Thee heads to sauna finding a nice spot he sets down and pours a little water over the rocks and gets a good thick wall of steam going. After a few minutes the steam is doing its trick and Thee starts to relax and farts. Looking around quickly as not to be embarrassed Thee notices he can't see much through the steam so neither could anyone else. Then Thee hears the sound of heavy footsteps and from the steam walks a mountain of a man over 6 feet , barrel chested with arms as big as Thee's waist. "You called?" asked the man, Thee quickly glances down and replies "no sir i don't think i did. The big man replies "you must be new here , when ever you fart that means your calling", He then grabs Thee and whips him around and has his way with him.

Afterwards Thee runs for his bungalow gets dressed tosses his things in the luggage and races towards the office. Thee burst in the office and throws his keys and membership card on the desk, "You can keep the deposit and whatever else i am owed, but i am leaving and never returning". Stunned the receptionist says" Theemahn what is wrong do you not like our facilities?" Thee replies " look lady i am 40 years old i get a hard-on once a month but i fart 15 times a day".

You want to hear a joke?