Jokes please

[stanca]

Do you know when it will be a real world hunger?
When the chinese will start eating with the spoon.

[Admin-Amir]

A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"
The father, surprised, answers:

"Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, see them and they make you cry."

[Admin-Amir]

This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his p*nis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."

[Admin-Amir]

Joe is on his last day at work as a mailman.
He receives many thank-you cards and monetary gifts along his route.
When he gets to the very last house, he is greeted by a gorgeous housewife, who invites him in for lunch. Joe happily accepts. After lunch, the woman invites him up to the bedroom for some \'desert.\' Joe happily accepts again. When they are done, the woman gives him a dollar.
Joe asks what the dollar is all about.
The woman replies: "It was my husband's suggestion. When I told him that it was your last day at work, he told me 'F**k him -- give him a dollar.' The lunch was my idea."

Any paper in the House?

Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

[JOHNNYG]

This is no joke ! THESE are the MAN rules !!!
Man Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the guys' side of the story.
We always hear " The Rules "
From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have! no idea what mauve is!

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but! it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[JOHNNYG]

This is two of the responses to The "MAN" Rules I got at Ubuntu community cafe, And i got many responses !
The Numbered ones are "Her" Original response, The ">>>>>>>" Is the next guy's response to her !!!
Remember this is all in fun ! and ment for us to laugh at our selves !

1. Call. >>>>>> About what? Turn on the TV.
2. Don't lie.>>>>> Accusing me already?
3. Never tape any of her body parts together. >>>>>huh?
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.>>>>>>>> Um, we do - but it's not our wives.
5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting. >>>>>>>We can't help where they touch us....
6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes.>>>>>>>>>>>" Please get more confident about yourself.
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?" >>>>>>>>>>>>>Same answer as above.
8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad. >>>>>>>>According to who?
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad. >>>>>>>>Then make a decision.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad. >>>>>>>>>>Then stop parking in front of my house.
11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag", "Lardass", and "Bitch" are bad. >>>>>>>Holy crap! You're running around with the wrong guys.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony. >>>>Not every time....
13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question. >>>>>>>>Then get our attention by getting neked.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed. >>>>>>>>>Who's bringing them up - again....not me.
15. Her cooking is excellent. >>>>>>>>>Thanks mom
16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking. >>>>>>>>>>Me....cook?
17. Dishsoap is your friend. >>>>>>>>>>Dish what?
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean. >>>>>>>What bizarro world are you living in?
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay. >>>>>>Really?
20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.>>> Shouldn't it?
21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?" Nobody's >>>>>>(sometimes we can't remember or don't know how it got there....really. Really.
22. Two words: clean socks. >>>>>>>Goes without saying.
23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk. >>>>>>>>>Oh yeah?
24. Burping is not sexy. >>>>>>>>>I agree - now stop belching.
25. You're wrong.>>>>>>>>>>No I was mistaken
26. You're sorry.>>>>>>>>OHH yea Am I !
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.>>>>>>>>But She Luv's the back seat!
28. Ditto for your discourse on football. >>>>>>>>>Yea well how come she,s such a tight end !
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.>>>>>>>> Not unlike her ability to hit the roof in a single sentence !
30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad. >>>>>>>Milk is good Feeding a cow get pricey
31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.>>>>>just assume !
32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.>>>>>>>know it does, Know IT !
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice. >>>>>>>>don't we know this already.
34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue. >>>>Oooo - yuck - I threw up a little just thinking about using your toothbrush.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm. >>>>>>>Why do you wanna walk anywhere at 11m?
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.>>>>>>>>Then let me open the door and YOU pay for dinner
37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.>>>>>Pick her up ? I dropped her off !
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you. >>>>>>>>Sometimes it's easier that way.
39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.>>>>>>>Unless there is no other way to get the hell out of there !
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.>>>>> On this I must agree !!!
41. Always, always suck up to her brother. >>>>>>>>Unless you don't go "that way"
42. Think boxers.>>>>>I like cocker spinals
43. Silk boxers. You're kidding....right? If you only knew what it takes to keep all this in one place !
44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.>>>>> no
45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.>>>>>>>!!/@ 1 1/2 hours later !!
46. Her haircut is never bad. >>>>>hehehehe!
47. Don't let your friends pick on her.I>>>>>>>>f they pick on her they are not her friends to begin with!
48. Call. >>>>>>Is the TV broke again?
49. Don't lie. >>>>>sometimes it helps.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your *** smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything.>>>But I have to pay for the little S O B even after shes gone !
51. She only let's you think your in charge, no matter how much it might seem the opposite. >>>>Huh? Really?

My take on this as long as we're having fun with this.

[jamese810]

There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators, paranas, and many other things that could kill you. The host said that if anyone could swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant them 3 wishes.

Well, nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and doing that "party thing."

Suddenly, there was this big splash! The host looked and saw a man swimming to beat hell across the tank, and, lo and behold, he made it!

The host walked over to the man and said, "Alright, you made it, WOW!. What are your 3 wishes?" The man replied, "First, you see that shotgun of yours? give me it, Two, see those bullets over there? give me them, 3, show me the man who pushed me in."

[stanca]

[NewDisciple]

12 things that men know
Men know that Mother Nature’s best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.
Men know that PMS is Mother Nature’s way of telling you to get out of the house.
Men know that if she looks like your mother, run.
Men know that there are at least three sides to every story: His, hers, and the truth.
Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.
Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.
Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.
Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.
Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at hercleavage. Men also know that the woman will get ticked off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.
Men know that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Bambi.
Men know that it’s never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.
Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

[NewDisciple]

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies
1. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat - use the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember - everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
Daily Thought: Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs .